A 30-something woman: just the phrase alone conjures up a cascade of associations (media sustained) about babies, marriage, having it all!, the toll of gravity, and so on. Sadly, the associations rarely escape that box. Adjusted, enlightened, creatively satisfied, financially autonomous, happy from within: these associations reserved (weirdly) for a select few in the AARP set, if media coverage is any measure. (And for the record, I consider enlightenment as important, if not more, than the question of a baby. And indeed, the former behooves the latter.) But much coverage of this 30-something specimen boils down to this: so we gonna pop a kid out or what? Baby, no baby. Baby, no baby.
A fresh batch of writing has appeared in recent weeks on the subject and I dutifully present them here. Lori Gottlieb kicked off the media firestorm with her book Marry Him! and has appeared on NPR and in the pages of the Atlantic making her case for settling down with a 'good enough' guy, as opposed for continuing the search for deep, soulful personal connection. One friend of mine responded to a particularly depressing passage with "if she doesn't give a shit about the human connection of marriage, she should just marry her vibrator." Gottlieb went personal in a follow up on HuffPo about one of the responses she received. While another HuffPo writer, Lesley MM Blume, wanted to 'jab her eyes out' after reading Gottlieb's piece.
Meghan Daum at the Los Angeles Times wrote a measured response questioning the very framing of Gottleib's thesis. Why the emphasis on being married with child versus mothering solo? Shouldn't the emphasis be on whether motherhood should continue to be the foregone conclusion of identity for the modern woman? One of my favorite blogs Feministing cried sour grapes on Gottlieb calling her piece 'anti-feminist porn'.
In the end, my biggest beef here is that women are presented with a one-size-fits-all conundrum, the lowest common denominator being vaginas and what to put in, push out of them. But what is so often lost when the dust that gets kicked up around this issue, is the journey to get to these decisions. Life is hard and demands hard work, and that has nothing to do with babies, marriage, career or being female. It's about getting in there inside yourself and facing existential issues of being and nothingness, excuse the Buddha babble. The issue of greater importance is the foundation (spiritual and psychological) that brings us to make informed decisions in the first place. (CN)
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1 comment:
"Sometimes the light is shining on me---other times I can barely see."
Great line from the Dead and so true---we wax and wane in our enlightenment and adjustment- just like we all have bad hair days.
Not sure what all the angst and blabber over Gottlieb is about. Most people would rather have a committed spouse/lover/friend than be alone. DAAAA And most would agree that it is better to be alone than to have the wrong spouse/lover. The problem is in figuring out what makes Mr. Right so right. That is so much tougher than it sounds because we are dealing with all of the expectations shoved down our throats.
So if you are saying that one has to be enlightened in order to decide if a man/ a baby or both are necessary I have to both disagree and agree.
Then "enlightened" woman is
1 proud of herself even though she is unclaimed.
2. excited about doing something that involves giving back- serving others. OK- lots of women leave this step out and rely on looks, money, credentials- but those are the self-absorbed ones who end up bitter- I promise this is true.
3. busy but not afraid to be quiet and alone
4. thankful
5. able to forgive others for their faults and mistakes
6. able to really listen without jumping - in her head or aloud- to what she wants to say
7. able to tell the difference in needs and wants and willing to put her "wants" aside if they clash with the "needs" of her loved ones
Maybe I am slow but the only way I think most people really achieve these seven states is by trial and error. I learn from my failures. I learned to really like myself only after I forgave myself for all of my fuck-ups and I could only do that when I forgave people who screwed me over- even if they did not ask for my forgiveness or even acknowledge the harm they caused.
It is really hard to manage to reach those seven states and still have good eggs. Sad but true.
So settling for Mr. Good Enough can work- in fact it can be great because it forces the woman to work on herself and not expect the emptiness to be filled by Mr. Right.
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