We ebb and we flow with everything. Moods, weight, feelings, relationships. Physically, my weight has gone up a little in the last month; it has been a hard winter any way you slice it. The news has been grim and the weather cold. But it is ok. The most important thing is what has been happening on the inside, while I was taking a look at the outside.
With our wedding in four short weeks, on the first day of spring, the reality has become much much sharper that a major change is underway. There is some point in your relationship where everything gets a little more serious and a little more real. We just hit that point. It is an amazing feeling when you realize you are opening an entirely new door, unlike any you have opened before.
You can have a wedding for a day or two, but what you are really doing is embarking on a marriage, a lifetime commitment. To be ready for that I had to do a lot of closet cleaning over the past eight weeks and it is tortuous work returning to issues, thoughts and behaviors and scrutinize whether they will make the voyage with you into your new life. (Strawberry milkshakes have made that process easier; it is worth its weight.)
What did I find in that closet that I will leave behind? I am leaving behind attachments to relationships that take away more from me than they return; I am leaving behind bad physical habits and addictions; I am leaving behind my self critic and judgment; I am leaving behind the perpetual insecurity of aloneness; I am leaving behind as much fear as I can.
And what I am taking? I am taking what I hope is an open heart and willingness to be vulnerable; I am taking with me newfound self-confidence in my intellectual and physical selves; I am taking with me good daily habits – like eating well and meditation - that reinforce those positive vibrations; I am taking gratitude and humility that it is a gift to be in love and to be loved.
We recently had the experience of visiting older friends, who are artists and architects, in the beautiful countryside of Connecticut. It was a true pleasure to be around mature love and a pleasure to spend time with people where there is no ulterior agenda. The visit was simply to enjoy each other’s company and eat well. The pleasure of the nutrition makeover is that as you recognize nuance in a controlled setting, like in your body, you are more readily able to recognize it in other situations. And if there is one thing I feel I have learned, it is that love is an incredibly nuanced thing, continually shape shifting. Ebbing and flowing; building and growing. Love is dynamic. And so are we.
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